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What I’m Learning About My Inadequacies

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Sometimes the truth of who I am knocks me down a few notches. Today I’m little. Thanks to seeing myself as I really am.

Inadequate.

Not enough.

And still struggling with shame.

I’m discovering that I cope with my inadequacies by AVOIDING anything or anyone that makes me feel inadequate. Hmm. Brilliant strategy. Have you ever tried that? If so, you know that creates another kind of crisis. Failure. Not to mention it also messes with dreams, personal goals and even relationships.

Here’s a few examples of my clever avoiding strategy:

Exercising: Going to the gym makes me realize I’m flabby and out of shape, so I don’t go. Smart, right? Meanwhile I lose physical stamina and strength. The truth is I WILL weaken if I don’t do something about it. I’m over forty.

Making meals: Cooking makes me feel incompetent, so I don’t cook that often. I think I’ve burned or ruined one too many things over the years. So instead I buy pre-made meals or I drive through Taco Bell. And our budget pays the price. If my family doesn’t like the meal, don’t blame me, I just reheated it.

Writing a book: I dream of writing(finishing) a few books someday. But writing makes me feel uneducated and unqualified. So what do I do? I print out my chapter summaries, tape them to my office closet doors and wait for inspiration. And when inspiration doesn’t come, I go to the thrift store and buy another used book and read. Meanwhile, unwritten words whisper, “I want out.” Sigh.

Connecting with my husband: I don’t know where this idea came from but I don’t feel like a good enough wife. My husband is not a complainer. Actually he’s easy to please. But still I don’t feel loving or affectionate enough. I’m sometimes critical. And I don’t feel like I wash dirty clothes fast enough. I wish I were more invested in our relationship and yet the reality is I still hide. People call a guy’s hangout, a man cave, right? Did you know women have caves too? 

This kind of avoiding pattern invades my everyday life. It’s humbling. But I am SO glad God opened my eyes last week to see the pattern for what it is: A mess only He can fix.

The truth is I am not enough. I’m not enough as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, speaker, or writer. That’s truth for all of us. We will never be enough. We are not perfect. We are all a work in progress.

For some strange reason, I measure myself against a standard not even God has set for me. Hello! Why can’t I just look at myself –just as I am– and say the whole truth and nothing but the Truth:

I am not enough, but GOD IS.

Somewhere along the way I lost the last part of the whole truth.  God IS. He is my enough. So what if I never will be. . .

* What if I worked out knowing I am weak and out of shape, but I did it anyway because God is for me and He is with me. He wants me to take care of the only body I have.

* What if instead of failing in my kitchen, by not even trying, I made simple recipes and thanked God for an abundance of food and a family to eat it with? What if I helped reduce our food budget by making a quick pasta salad instead of buying a pre-made one?

* What if I saw writing as the way God wants heal my wounded heart? What if I saw book writing as a way to share hope with the hopeless and not as a guilt burden to carry? What if I let go of noticing every passive verb, prayed and then wrote for His pleasure?

What would be different if I stopped pouring my life into my self-made measuring cup and started pouring my life out just for Jesus?

Instead of feeling like I’m not enough, might God measure my life using another word?

More than enough because of Christ living in me. Overflowing.

Yes, Lord Jesus, please fill my life with more of You. I want to live in that overflow. Overflowing with gentleness for myself. And overflowing with grace, mercy and love for others.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

(PS – I made a great black bean and corn salsa last night. Yum. And I still have leftovers.)

Question: Do you struggle with feeling not good enough? Do you relate to avoiding?

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Filed Under: Forgiveness/Healing/Freedom, Giving Thanks, Online Devotions, Purpose, Shame 9 Comments

A Revealing Conversation with a 19 Year Old

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men in black(boys will play – filming as usual. This also counts as work for my YouTube prankster son, JStuStudios)

Do you remember the feeling of freedom after high school? You’ve graduated, you’re about to move out and now it’s summer. You’re free to hang out with your friends morning, noon and of course, after midnight. Free to explore, hike, camp, eat burnt marshmallows, go cliff diving, snowboarding or shopping. Whatever you want, you are the deciding factor. Feeling empowered, you hold your life’s cards.

And yet lurking nearby is another word: Adulthood.

Utility bills.

Student loans.

Rent.

Groceries. More like ramen noodles.

Rising gas prices.

Major life choices. What do I want to be now that I’m a grown up?

And that lovely word, responsibility.

A few days ago I had a revealing conversation with one of my son’s friends. (These days my house is full of 19 year olds) Sitting on the couch with this guy I said, “So, how do you like being an adult so far?”

“I like being an adult, I just don’t like the responsibility of being one,” he answered.

“Well, there’s one word for that: Bum.”

He laughed. I smiled.

Isn’t it funny how when we’re young we long for that day when we’re finally adults? And then we become adults and we want to be kids again? Today I’m still thinking about these couple sentences. Because I’m in my forties and I’m often NO different. I want the freedom of adulthood, but I don’t want the responsibility.

As a responsible adult, I must work to survive. But as a creative, playful heart, I’d rather not. I’d rather make fun memories. Explore small towns and take pictures of old doors and cracked windows. Laugh until I cry. Eat red licorice or chips and salsa or both. Listen to songbirds sing. Drink vanilla lattes. Or watch stormy clouds sail across the Colorado sky.

Hmm, is that okay?

Here’s a post I shared on Twitter this week as I thought through this conversation. It’s truth for me and you.

Discover what you love and work from there.

If I can find that something that doesn’t feel like grunt labor, I can do it. And if it feels like child’s play, I’m all game. Maybe that’s why I’m a writer and why I carry my camera everywhere I go or why I love to wear a costume or bring toys when I speak. I feel most alive when I create or discover beauty in life and in people.

My idea of work is creative play. I’m an artist of sorts. I love getting my hands dirty, digging in my garden, painting with my fingers, sanding an old piece of furniture, scribbling, or making a word collage. And when I’m extra silly, doing my chicken dance comes in handy. Think stress relief. I love all things handmade or handwritten. There’s nothing more magnificent than seeing something old and forgotten that has depth of character and beauty. I drool over unique.

So as I refocus on what I want to be when I grow up(haha), I’m committed marrying my responsibility with play. And as of today, I think I’m on the right track. Silly Putty or Potato Heads, anyone? (I own both. Yep, I’m a kid at heart.)

So the question remains should I work or play? My answer: YES, both.

Q4U: Which do you value more, work or play?

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Filed Under: About Me, Freedom, Photography, Purpose 4 Comments

Lessons from 7 Years of Blogging

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You would think after seven years of blogging I would know what I’m doing.

Nope, not so much.

Strange online bugs bite me and leave their mark. I fly into invisible webs and get stuck. Fighting for freedom, I exhaust myself. I lose my creative self just trying to regain my flight.

Can you relate?

Seven years ago, I started blogging as a way to practice writing in public. Back then it was the next “writer thing” to do, so I did. And for years I enjoyed meeting cyber friends and sharing my heart online. I wrote raw and told my story of redemption. I felt alive and inspired.

And as the years continued, I learned more and more about the rules of online writing. I’ve even taught writing workshops for bloggers. Love that. As a lover of learning, I ate it all up. I watched YouTube tutorials. I read blogs on blogging. Then words like platform, Google Analytics, and tribe entered my thinking. Hmm, what to do with that, I didn’t know. It sounded complicated and confusing.

Then as recommended,  I transferred my blog from Blogger to WordPress because it was the right thing to do. I added widgets to my blog and taught myself how to make a header. Think shortcut, not graphic design. I also created a navigation bar with helpful tabs and added a speaker page.

I did almost everything I was told to do. 

I was a good blogging girl.

But something interesting happened along the way.

* My online friends stopped commenting. Why?

* I stopped visiting other blogs because it took tons of time and energy. I miss reading their voices.

* Comparison kicked in and I discovered I was the slow one. Others passed me by, found their niche and their tribe. Many became authors. I am truly happy for them and yet their success made me doubt mine.

* Discouragement held me down until I cried, “Uncle.”

* Loneliness struck. I felt invisible. Why bother writing? No one is reading your stuff.

* Insecurity entered the scene. I must not be a good writer after all.

* And finally I lost heart.

So here I am at ground zero seven years later. A place I never expected to be. Looking at all of this rubble, searching for lessons I’ve learned along the way. Here’s what I see:

Lesson #1 – There’s more to blogging than knowing the rules.

Sure I can learn the rules of blogging and there is value in that. But there’s more. And I need the more the most. For me, my more is passion. I can’t write just to keep a blogging schedule or to build a tribe or brand, I must write from my heart or forget it. And as a creative spirit, I need freedom to break the rules once I’ve learned them.

Lesson #2 – Looking at myself is NEVER the answer.

When will I ever learn that looking at myself will never lead to progress. I am my own worst critic. If I’m ever going to write for the love of it again, I must stop looking at my lack. Mirrors must go. I must focus on what I love. Fixing my eyes on those things will bring out the best words in me. And maybe those words will resonate with you.

Lesson #3 – Looking at others leads to loss. Every. Single. Time.

This is the worst of sticky webs: looking at others. Comparison either leads to my demise or to my pride, depending on who I compare with. Neither option leads to my freedom. I can’t get stuck here. I can’t measure the weight of my words by how much you weigh in. I must look and listen to my Creator for my value. He alone is the final answer to my all my questions as an artist. He says I am enough. He promises to be my strength as I move forward, vulnerable and weak. My best option: lean into God and gaze at His beauty and then share.

Lesson #4 – Believing in what I love again.

 Regardless of the response I get or don’t get online, I need to write anyway. I am a writer because I love words. Communication matters to me. It’s part of who I am. Some people collect dolls, thimbles, or shot glasses. Not me, I collect words. Words bring me life. Come to my house and see shelves of books, plastic bins of my journals,  framed art with words and verses, and scribbled-on chalkboards.  I must get back to what I love: Leaving a written trail for others, especially my kids. I want them to see what faith looks like. The joy and sorrow. The good and ugly. I want them to live a life of childlike wonder, freedom, dignity and great joy as they follow their Maker.

Why do I write?

I write for God’s smile. Why isn’t that enough?

Thank goodness God isn’t finished with me yet. And might I add, God isn’t not finished with YOU yet either. So let’s get back to the basics:  Eyes on Him. Hands to the plow. Hearts surrendered and knees bowed.

 

Please stay tuned as I rebuild my life/blog from the ground up. (Feel free to sign up for my newsletter or emailed updates on upper right)

 

 

Q4U: What lessons are you learning right now? It doesn’t have to be a blogging or writing lesson. What are you learning in life period?

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Filed Under: About Me, Freedom, Purpose 23 Comments

On the Go Entertainment, Are You Serious?

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Entertainment Gas Station

Do you remember when entertainment consisted of climbing trees, splashing in rain puddles, making blanket forts, playing hide and seek or singing name that tune?

Today’s entertainment is much more complex. TVs are everywhere. iPods, iPhones and iPads captivate our attention. I see the tops of heads lately, with fingers frantically moving. Public restrooms are no longer place to quietly relieve ourselves, instead they offer streaming entertainment. Sometimes I hear both surround sound stereo and the TV blaring throughout the stalls. What is that about?

And then there is On the Go Entertainment, gas stations sporting the latest reruns of American Idol.

Do we really need this? What happened to a friendly conversation with the guy across from us who is also filling his tank?

I’m very concerned about the way our culture is adding more and more gadgets. Sure, we’re more tech savvy, but at what cost? With everything in life, each one of us has to count the cost.

Have we stopped to count the cost of our modern day entertainment?

Are we losing our ability to look eyeball to eyeball and talk voice to voice? I know I feel funny calling people nowadays. I prefer text or email. Why? I don’t know. I think in some ways I feel like I’m intruding. I will also admit I feel lonelier today than I did a few years ago. And according to Facebook and Twitter I have more friends than ever. Hmm. Something isn’t right. I’d gladly trade 1,000 text messages in for one more face to face friend time.

How can we hear the voice of God when the noise of today is louder than ever?

Where’s the solitude?

I don’t need another television to entertain me. What I need is more peace. I need other people. And I need God.

What price are we really paying for our on the go entertainment?

(Please share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear your perspective.)

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Filed Under: Family/Relationships, Online Devotions, Purpose 1 Comment

Why I Am a Writer – Video

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I’m home from my weekend away at a writer’s conference. I’m exhausted but inspired. And I’m just in time squeeze in my entry for amazing contest for writers. (deadline Sunday, May 20th) I almost forgot. Thanks, Jeff, for an e-mail reminder this morning.

If you’re a writer, I encourage you to visit Jeff Goins and subscribe to his updates.

Jeff is giving away his new e-book You Are a Writer (So Start Acting Like One). He’s also giving away additional writing support, plus a $100 Amazon gift card. I would love to win because Jeff writes great, he knows what he is doing, and of course, I dream of reading on a Kindle someday. :) Books are heavy.

Writers and those wanting to write, I hope my reasons (in video) inspire YOU to keep going OR to start. Here are several reasons why I write. I could’ve listed many more, but this felt like a good start. Enjoy!

 

(Subscribers – if you cannot see this video you can watch HERE on YouTube)

 

Q4U: Do written words matter to you? If so, why do you write?

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Filed Under: Photography, Purpose, Tiffany's Videos Tagged With: , , , 2 Comments

Open the Eyes of My Heart

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(my daughter’s eye, up, close and personal)

Have you ever prayed, “Open the eyes of my heart, Lord?” Do you desire a heart of worship? If so, you are right where God wants you: Seeking Him.

The last few weeks I’ve had the privilege of speaking on two passions of my heart:

* Seeing God in our everyday lives

* and prayer

Why am I so passionate? Because I have lived many years without seeing God and without prayer. It is possible to go through our days without really seeing much of anything. And without much prayer. One way of living is light and bright, the other, pitch black.

SEEing makes all the difference.

Today I choose to see light, and not just any light, God’s light.

Seeing what I’ve seen so far leads me to pray: Jesus, give me Your eyes to see and Your ears to hear. I need Your heart and Your understanding. I don’t want to miss You one more day. I want to see You more today. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.

How about you? Do you see God in your everyday life? Do you enjoy praying? Do you truly believe God is El Roi, the God who sees you? Do you acknowledge Him as Immanuel, God with you?

I sure hope so.

But if not, there is always hope for change. You can ask God today.

I know it’s hard. I know we all have real lives. Messy, busy lives. Things to do, people to see, bills, deadlines and all kinds of other stresses, but that’s all the more reason to LOOK for GOD.

I need God to show up in my everyday life. I need His voice of reason when I am confused or ashamed. I need His loving correction when I kick and scream to get my way or when I wander off. I need Him to remind me He is with me when I am afraid or feeling alone. I need His encouragement when I am discouraged. I need His love, especially when I feel unlovable.

I think it’s time for a prayer. How about this? Close your eyes (haha) and sing this song as a prayer today.

Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

 

 (Watch on YouTube here)

 

My life mission is to help people to focus what matters most: God Himself. There, with our eyes fixed on Him, is the abundant life we all long for..

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Filed Under: Online Devotions, Purpose, Shame Tagged With: , Leave a Comment

Cleaning Up My Mess

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(look at this mess- yep, it’s my garage screaming out, “Clean me.”)

Do you have a messy garage? Or maybe it’s not your garage, but you know exactly what it is. That overcrowded storage unit you really need to empty. Your pantry or those junk drawers. Or your fridge filled with rotting leftover containers. Wherever and whatever it is, it’s an area of your life that is a mess. It’s affecting your daily life, taking up mental space and sucking up all of your energy.

Well that’s my life right now. I’m in the middle of going room by room, organizing, purging, and cleaning. Call it spring cleaning if you want. Whatever this is, it’s exhausting. It’s hard work looking through every nook and cranny. Actually I’m growing weary as I approach the finish line. This has been a few weeks of focused energy and I know I haven’t gotten rid of everything I should have. But I’ve made it through my entire house except the basement and garage. Currently I’m finishing up my office. What a mess. Two days ago I finally threw away my high school graduation gown from 1986. Call me a sentimental fool. :)   It feels great to have labels and homes for everything I’ve decided to keep.

And as I’ve worked, God has been showing me the messy places of my heart. (To finish reading, find me at Laced with Grace.)

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Filed Under: Online Devotions, Purpose 2 Comments

Taking a Social Media Break

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Just a quick note to say I am taking a much needed blogging/social media break this week. :-) I’m working on home projects over here and I’m having way too much fun. Organizing. Rearranging. Remodeling. Spring cleaning. De-cluttering. Decorating on a dime. The fun part is I carry my laptop from room to room, listening to sermons or music as I work.

If you need prayer or to contact me this week, I plan to check my email daily. Not sure how fast I will reply but I will try to respond as needed. Thank you for your understanding and grace.

Peace out!

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Filed Under: About Me, Purpose 2 Comments

Lord, Bring On the Laughter and the Tears

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What makes you laugh and cry?

For me, it’s looking through my photos and seeing recent memories with my family. Times that only happen once or two a year these days. If only we could have more time together. . .But that isn’t always possible living a couple states apart.

(a special gift for me from my mom)

 

(A giggly, wiggly frog. Turn it on for sounds and action. Mom remembered I used to collect frogs many years ago. haha)

(a first… an impromptu daddy/daughter dance. Yes, I felt the sting of sweet tears.)


Memories are precious, aren’t they?

(TO CONTINUE READING, PLEASE CLICK HERE)

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Filed Under: Family/Relationships, For Fun, Purpose Leave a Comment

You Are Unique

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I still cannot believe no two snowflakes are alike. When it snows in Colorado I sometimes get close to inspect each flake. It’s fascinating. To think our Creator cares about every little detail of His creation amazes me.

And then there is YOU.

Your uniqueness.

Like your eyes for example. No one else has the same iris design.

Or your smile. Special to your face.

Your voice. Your accent, the way you say certain words. Only yours.

Your skin. What about that special mole? Don’t you love it? :)

Or what about the time you fell off your bike and skinned your knee? Or the time you cut yourself shaving. Or that tough surgery. No one else has your scars.

Your fingerprints. Eight fingers and two thumbs, each uniquely swirled.

Your weaknesses and strengths. Do you know yours?

Your secrets.

Your fears.

Your dreams.

Your tears.

Or that crazy laugh of yours.

Your special talents and gifts. I can’t do exactly what you do the way you do it, nor can you do what I do. Aren’t you glad?

Your life story thus far, all by design. For God’s glory.

You matter.

YOU are unique.

Today I thank God for YOU.

Repeat with me: I will NOT be self critical today. Instead I will thank God and marvel at my uniqueness.

(Read Psalm 139 for a deeper look at the wonder of YOU.)

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Filed Under: God's Character, Love, Online Devotions, Purpose 6 Comments
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