(WARNING: NOT family-friendly because of nature of topic. Approx. 1100 words, too long for most blog posts. I feel led to write regardless of its length. Thank you for understanding.)
My daughter turned thirteen last week. The day after her big party I met a friend for coffee and cried. Not just any cry, the ugly cry. Not because Hannah was a teenager but because my girl was the age I was when I was sexually abused. It’s a flashback seeing your child the age when my life changed forever.
As many of you know, I’ve been asking God for healing for another wound of my heart. I’ll finally ready to share another part of my life story. Not to glorify me or for your pity, I don’t want pity. I share so the enemy no longer has ground over my heart here. Instead I share so God can use my story for His glory.
Mind if I take you back with me to a day when I was thirteen.
The phone rings, I answer it. “Hello.”
“Is this Tiffany?”
“Yes, it is.”
This unknown caller invited me to a modeling opportunity. I can’t believe it. How did he know I dreamed of a day like this. He assured me a few of my classmates had already participated and they gave him my number. I wasn’t sure I believed him but I was excited about the possibility. When he asked me to meet him in person, I asked if I could invite a friend. He said, “sure.”
When the time arrived, my friend and I peddled our bikes to the grocery store(the place he asked us to meet) and waited. An older man approached us and invited to his car. After my friend and I hopped in the back seat, he drove us around to the back of the building. Why are we parking where no one can see us?
Then he handed us a deck of cards. “These are the type of pictures I take.”
My friend and I looked at the stack of spades, clubs, diamonds, and hearts. Nude women were in the center of each card.
Now what? We froze. After being driven a couple miles away, we followed him up to the second story of a stucco building. No one around again. Vacant. On the balcony he told us what to do. We obeyed. With his Polaroid, he took a picture of us half dressed. Then he asked me to take pictures of him. With my friend.
I wanted to scream and run, but instead I cooperated. Terrified, I listened, focused in and pressed the button when he said so. The undeveloped pictures fell one by one. Minutes later graphic images appeared. My sweet friend lost her virginity. I died inside.
Soon after we got back into his car. He drove up to an ATM, got cash out and handed us several tens and twenties. Are you kidding me? This is no modeling job. You can’t even imagine what I thought of his money. I was undone with emotions but stayed calm. I wanted to know if my friend was okay. I needed to talk to her alone.
When I asked about what he was going to do with our pictures, I didn’t believe his answer. I feared being exploited even more.
My solution: Stay out of the public limelight. Hide. Forever hide. Or someone will find out who you really are.
For the next several weeks my phone rang. More haunting invitations to make money. My answer, “no way.”
Memories of this day changed my heart. I suffered with shame and survivor guilt. Feeling false responsibility as the photographer. Hating myself for desiring to be seen as beautiful and wanting riches. Feeling horrible for saying yes to a stranger’s phone call. Sick over being paid for the unthinkable. All of this was too much for a 13 year-old to handle. I never told my parents until years later. I was afraid of what they would think of me.
Why do I tell you my story? Because I believe someone out there is stuck and needs healing and freedom.
God is calling me(the once-silent-terrified teenager) to be a voice to the voiceless. I weep with those trafficked and those sexually abused. I cry over ALL injustice for that matter. The poor, homeless, and the sick. The lonely widow and the forgotten orphan. The mom who chose abortion over life. I’ve been there. The parent who lost a child. I care about the spiritual welfare of people. I long to see boys and girls, men and women walking in dignity and living free.
The truth is we all suffer on some level. Another truth is all need the love of a Savior.
I still don’t understand why this happened. I’m still healing and allowing God full access to this wound. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t need to understand. It’s the past. It wasn’t my fault. I did the best I could to survive. So did my friend. We were just kids.
I cling to the truth from Joseph’s life in the Word.
“What the enemy intended for my harm, God will use for good.”
I live to stand up, speak up, and reach out to those suffering. I have a huge heart for those trapped. Or ashamed. Broken. Bruised. Afraid. Oppressed. Those who feel like there is no hope.
I’ve been there. And I’ve found lasting hope. Hope through my relationship with Christ. Hope through the Word. I know the love and healing of Jesus. I’ve seen what God has done to rescue and redeem my life. Over and over again He transforms the worst parts of me. I’ve seen God use my pain to help others. TO GOD BE THE GLORY.
It doesn’t make sense that something so evil could ever be used for good. But that’s what I’m believing.
Right now I invite all the silent, exploited hearts to come to the feet of Jesus. It’s Him who sets the captive free. Not me. He’s waiting and willing to wash your wounds. He’s whispering sweet love. It’s God alone who is the my greatest comforter, not anyone else. His Word rinses away my ugly. His Word reminds me of who I really am. Chosen. Beloved. Forgiven and loved.
God has redeemed my lens. He’s gifted me to be photographer who sees HIM and HIS BEAUTY every day.
He has redeemed my silence by gifting me to speak and write for HIS GLORY.
Full circle healing. Bring it on, LORD.
God sets no limitations on His redeeming love. He extends love to ALL. He longs to redeem ALL.
You included.
For months now I’ve been praying for God to show me what to do with my story. It’s been front and center for many reasons. Today He led me to share here. As far as what tomorrow brings, I have ideas but no clear “this is the way, walk in it.”
Until I know the way I will answering God’s daily call. He’s got good news to share.
Today is another step in HIS direction.
Today I surrender ALL.
Will you?
***If you need support or prayer, please email me. I am willing to share my story verbally if it will help someone else. I am creating a list of sexual abuse healing resources to share on my resources link. Or if you already have a list of links, please email me. I’d love to use them.
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