As I’m processing the shame I’ve dealt with much of my life, I see how much shame has affected my self image.
Just like an anorexic sees herself as fat when she is bone thin, I looked in my mirror and never measured up. It didn’t matter how many people complimented me. I didn’t believe them.
I wasn’t good enough.
Perfection (or better yet, unattainable beauty) was my goal.
I wanted to be beautiful and loved so badly. So when I found myself pregnant and unmarried, I hoped for the “married, happily ever after.” But that didn’t happen, instead I walked into an abortion clinic numb and did the unthinkable.
I walked out feeling betrayed by love. Hating myself and ashamed of that choice. I remember thinking to myself, “No one will ever tell me what to do with my body ever again.”
So I tried to move past the devastation the best I could. I wore a happy face in public places, often hiding my shame-filled heart.
As the months past I continued to wrestle with my self image. I wanted love. I decided one way to change how I felt about myself was to fix an area that I didn’t “measure up in.”
So on December 28th, 1990, I had surgery. Breast augmentation surgery.
Merry Christmas to me!
I assumed I would fix my outer issues and I would feel better. Instead this surgery added to my shame.
I looked in my mirror and thought, “Who am I now?”
Plastic perfection.
Fake.
I didn’t like what I saw. It wasn’t the real me.
Shame upon shame. Abortion, then plastic surgery. My marred image starring back at me.
***
Only by God’s grace have I found freedom from the messed me up. God continues to show me HE is enough.
God has revealed my true beauty.
And it’s NOT my bra size.
Sometimes I even catch glimpses of HIS heart in MY mirror.
There He reminds me He loves me.
The LORD appeared to us in the past,saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:1-2
There He tells me I’m beautiful.
Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11
And I am undone.
He replaced my shame with sweet love.
Amazing grace.
(This is my first post about my breast implants. I speak to teen girls and women of ALL age and share my story. I know the desperate search for love and beauty. If you know of a place where I can share my story, please contact me.
After 20 years I have perspective. I’m not saying surgery is wrong for everyone. I just know for me it didn’t satisfy my longing. It led me to my true love. Jesus.
Plus I’m not a young twenty-something anymore. I’m in my 40′s now and I want to use my testimony to remind all women of what God sees in them. The world tells us we have to have a certain bra size to be beautiful. It’s a lie!!
I live to testify of a greater truth…)
on 
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